So the other night, while I was laying in bed, I came up with a brilliant plan. See I've been avoiding ttc right now because I would rather not have having a baby interfere with school. Obviously finishing school with a baby is going to make a bit more of a challenge, but I don't want to have to miss a semester or anything like that. So my original plan was to ttc in April, which would give me a baby due right around the beginning of 2005. That way I would finish, hopefully, the fall semester and have a couple weeks and then there baby would be, and that's counting on nothing going wrong with the pregnancy and no preterm birth or bed rest or anything like that. Then I would have a month or so off before having to go back to school, and I would take a light load the first semester. BUT I came up with the brilliant idea of ttc now, so maybe this month and next month. If we did concieve then I would have a due date of either early October or November. What is that, that would interfere with school you say? Well, I can petition to take summer term and take all of my required fall classes during the summer. Then I would have from the end of the summer to prepare for baby and I would have from whenever baby came, October or Novemeber, until Febuary, to be with baby. And I would start back in febuary with my class, exactly where I should be. Is that not the most perfect plan, am I not brilliant? Lol, it just makes me so excited to think that I could be getting pregnant, well, any day now actually. The thought of a little life growing inside of me makes me so incredibly happy and exicted. Just last night Razi and I were talking about how incredible it was to know that there was a little life that we had created, a part of him and a part of me, growing inside of me. We both miss being pregnant and we are both extremely excited to experience another pregnancy and of course also a little scared. And it's not really scared of what the outcome will be, because we both know that we just have to hope and pray and have faith for the best outcome. I just know this time is going to be different. I just know that my three little girls in heaven, Tayler, Lilyana, and Maleiya, who I love so very much, are going to watch over their little sister, of course or brother, and bring her, or him, safely to their mommy and daddy. And I know this next baby will be so much a part of each of my girls. I wish they could be with me, I love them and miss them so much. My little angels. Soon hopefully I will have an earth angel, to fill the emptiness and aching in my heart that left with each of my daughter's passing on to heaven. And to give all this love I have to my child, my baby, the little one that I created and made it safely to my arms. I can not wait to look at my child and just know that she or he is a part of me, Razi, and each of her or his three big sisters. We can finally bring our family a little closer together. There is so much to look forward too. I am a little apprehensive though, just with the fact that I know I will be dissapointing my parents....but it is so hard for them to understand this love, this want, this need. They don't have the faith that I do. I guess they don't believe that I can achieve everything I want to, with or without a child. I am so going to prove them wrong. I know that not a day will go by where I won't be thankful for the child that Razi and I brought into this world. This is what I want for my life.

Today I'm missing my girls and having a strong urge to be pregnant. It just seems that the whole entire world is pregnant around me. A girl I was friends with in high school found out she was pregnant right after I did. We even got together once and talked about how excited we each were about our pregnancies and about sharing it with someone. I come to find out that she smoked and drank up until the day she found out she was pregnant, so about 8 weeks into her pregnancy. That night we were together she couldn't stop talking about how she wished she could drink and how she didn't want to get fat. The growing is one of the miracles of pregnancy, I would give anything to be pregnant fat! And of course my friend has to tell me when she found out she was having a boy. I would have died if she was having a girl. And the last report was that she was huge and a whore...what a great combination. Remind me again why people who abuse their bodies during pregnancy are blessed with babies???? How bout my BIL's 18 year old gf who just had her second baby in two years. And now my SIL is pregnant with her fourth, for goodness sake, I don't even think they have the space or the money. Hello...spread the wealth please, we could have helped out in that department. So that makes grandchild number 20, or 21 if you include Carlos, Christine's first kid. I feel left out in the dust, like a failure because we are the only ones who can't seem to have a baby in the family. And lets go to my side of the family. I have the first grandchildren, only no one acknowledges them or even knows about them. The first great granddhild and she is in heaven and her great grandma doesn't even know about her. What kind of mommy am I. I know my gramma would be so happy with her first great grandaughter. I can't even imagine what it would be like if "she" has a girl. "She" is Keli, my cousin's wife. My cousin is seven years older than me and he sexually abused me for three years. And to add on to those three years of hell I had to go through more hell when I finally dealt with it all in 8th grade. And actually, to this day, I am still dealing with it. Well they are pregnant, for the second time. She and I must have gotten pregnant the same time when I was pregnant with Lilyana, but she miscarried. Funny how timing is, cuz she and I must have gotten pregnant the same time again, only I lost my little Maleiya and she still has her baby. I can't tell you how sick it makes me to think about him having a child. And it makes me so upset and pissed off that I am not going to be able to physically have the first great grandchild. I have so much resentment towards all of them. I just pray that they don't have a girl, so it can't be rubbed in my face and hope that I still get the priviledge of having the first great grandaughter. And my grandpa's oldest grandchild is pregnant also after a battle with ttc. That doesn't bother me as much, except that my grandma said she already has two little ones on the way, indicating she doesn't need anymore...but I'm sure I just took it to heart and took it the wrong way. Including the first girl I mentioned, four girls I went to high school with are pregnant. I saw one of them when we were taking my mom home from the hospital and it just brought so much pain and anger to me. One of the other girls, I don't even know...she just does not need a kid right now, she has so many issues she needs to work out. And it pisses me off because all of these girls either don't have the father involved or the father is not decent. And all the girls aren't doing anything with their lives. Why was my loving home and bright future overlooked? It just makes me so angry that people who deeply want and desire a baby that they would give all the love they could too, can't have them or have to deal with the pain of losing a baby....but those who sleep around or do drugs and just aren't smart about birth control get pregnant. "Having a child doesn't make someone a mother," it's all the tender loving care that comes with it. It makes me sad that so many babies are born to women who don't want to be a mother to their child. I want to ttc so badly right now. I want to get pregnant and I just know that this little one is going to stick and grow, grow, grow. I can't wait to rub my belly and talk to my baby. I can't wait to watch my belly grow and feel that first kick. The look on Razi's face when he talks to our baby and touches my tummy. And the look when he feels the baby's first kick. Those moments are so priceless. The moment of birth, and seeing my baby for the first time. Holding my baby and telling my baby how much love I have for him or her. What I wouldn't give for those simple things. It seems like April will never come, but hopefully the time will fly by and by May I will see those two lines and by mother's day I will be able to announce our pregnancy with confidence. And when the time comes I know my little angels, Tayler, Lilyana, and Maleiya, will watch over their little brother or sister and bring him or her safely to me!

I'm going to start off my first entry with an introduction for those of you who don't know me. My name is Meryl and I'm 20 years old. I am in college studying to be a nurse and I will most likely go into pediatrics, I love children. I'm engaged to Razi who is 22, we've been together for four years. We are living together in a gorgeous town house. We are also parents to three little girls, although none of our daughters are with us. I became a mommy at 18 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Tayler, right after I had graduated high school. This pregnancy was quite a suprise but she was so loved and very much wanted. Other plans had been made though because our first daughter got her angel wings on August 1, 2002. Our second daughter, Lilyana, was concieved in March of 2003. We were so excited and looking forward to her arrival. I knew I was pregnant with her the moment she was concieved. I loved my little girl so much and I treasured every moment I got to spend with her. I talked to her and we prayed together daily. I never thought I would have to repeat the horror of losing a child again, but our precious Lilyana was born into heaven on June 4, 2003. After waiting three cycles and determined to have a baby we concieved on our first try. I truly thought that this was a sign and that "the third time was the charm." Our little one put us through some scary moments and sadly, Maleiya got her angel wings October 16, 2003. We miss our daughters so much. It has been especially hard for me. I would do anything to have my daughters here with me, in my arms. Right now it seems that the whole world is pregnant but me and I hate that feeling. I would ttc right now in a heartbeat, but since school and my career is also important to me and for my family's future, I have decided to plan ttc around school. Razi and I have decided to ttc in April. If we are blessed that cycle we will be anticipating the arrival of a little one at the beginning of the New Year. And if that is not our month I will finish another semester of school and try for a summer baby. I have a big place in my heart for each of my daughters, but when they left me, they also left a whole in my heart. There is an aching and an emptiness that only a new life can fill. Adding on to our family is what Razi and I are looking forward to, and spending the rest of our lives together. Oh, and how could I forget. After our third loss we adopted a kitten. Our sweet precious little kitten is now 4 months old. He has brought a lot of comfort and joy to our lives. I don't feel as alone and I am able to baby him and practice some of my mommy habits on him!

So that's my introduction....I'll be back later!